So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
