I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
