I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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