You smell like a Billy Joel song
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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