There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
