Cold hands, warm shart.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
