Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize