I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
