It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
