Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
