tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
