3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
