the condom got lost in my hair
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
