It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
