guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
