tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
