If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
