she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
