Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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