This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
