My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
