One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
