god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
everyone is single if you try hard enough
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
