He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
