They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
