I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize