I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I queefed so loud it echoed.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
