I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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