She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
