i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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