My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
