When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize