maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Randomize
