Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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