I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
