I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize