ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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