Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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