we made out on top of his cat.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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