put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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