I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
