Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
