i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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