I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
