everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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