Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
