I need to stop coming to work sober
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
