i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
