Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
