It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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