dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
