dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
