Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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