So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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