she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Oh god it's open bar.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
