How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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