I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
