I cut my penus on the lid.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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