Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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