Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
