I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
