I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
How's work?
Spinning.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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