I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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