awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
