Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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