If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
