I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize